In recent months I've tried a range of weight loss techniques in order to fit into a wedding dress that at the time of purchase was a size and a bit too small for me.
The ladies at the shop try their best to convince me to, at the very least, order a 14. I even sign a form saying I won't hold them liable if I don't fit into the size 12 dress when it arrives FOUR months later.
The problem is, the dress arrives THREE months later, meaning I am four weeks and five kilos out in the weight loss regime.
(Please note I use the term regime fairly loosely.)
The first five came off quite quickly. Root canal gone wrong, three stints in hospital, allergic reaction to pain killers, throw up for a week and presto. Five kilos gone. And a tooth to boot!
During this tooth nightmare, I discovered laxatives. A handful of laxatives does the trick on the scales. The only problem is that when you work in an open plan office with one female toilet, running back and forward ten times an hour starts to look suspicious.
I've tried the high protein no carb diet, which again is good for the weight loss, but again, not so good in an open plan office. One more tin of sardines and my colleagues will lodge a grievance against me.
Speaking of grievances, I will be launching one against said bridal frock shop. A letter arrives saying my dress is in store ready to be paid for in full, a month early, and I can collect it Monday to Friday between 9 and 4.
Well, I live in the country and the dress is a month early and I'm still five kilos overweight, I'll just collect the dress at my convenience.
Snotty shop lady: It must be paid for in full within seven days of it arriving in our store.
Kate: I'll pay you over the phone then come and collect it next time I'm in Perth.
Snotty shop lady: No you must try it on and check it before it can be paid for.
Kate: Well I live in Geraldton and work full time so it will have to be on a Saturday in a few weeks time.
Snotty shop lady: No it must be this week and it can't be a Saturday. You'll have to take a day off work, there are too many people in the store on a Saturday, someone might step on it or touch it.
Kate: Lady, it's just a dress. I can't take a day off work just to pick up a dress.
Snotty shop lady: THIS MY DEAR IS NOT JUST A DRESS!!!
After a while she got my drift and I tried it on and paid for it on a SATURDAY. And it fit too, which I was quite smug about.
I just can't sit down in it or drink or eat anything while wearing it.
So for the next two months, it's air & water. And no alcohol. And probably a bit of exercise.
So much effort for one single day!
To look good for a bloke who had no problem conning me up, and as it turns out falling in love with me, when I tipped the scales at 83 kilos.
I've said it once, I'll say it again. Our priorities are all arse about. (A sizable arse.)
PS. That's not actually me in the photo...
